We have not met yet, but I am sure when I am old enough to understand I will be excited to meet you and mummy as soon as I arrive into the world. I am only newly created and I will take about 40 weeks until I am ready to meet you. I wanted to write you this letter to let you know how I feel and express my aspirations as a child who will be growing up under yours and mummy being my parents.
I look forward to learning from mummy, all my other family members and you. I also look forward to getting to know and learn from all those new friends I will make over the years. In time, I will develop new skills and get to explore and understand the world around me.
It is several weeks passed now and I am developing in the womb and I know if you were to take a picture of me I would look exotic and alien like.
I will not understand the importance of you looking after me in those first few critical months, but I will come to learn that through your love, care, gentle and nurturing style I will learn that I can trust, love and also experience life that although there will be sad times, there will be more than enough good times as well. This will put me in good stead whilst growing up and being the person I will become.
It is now a couple of months and I am now resembling what a human foetus looks like. If I was prodded my hands would close and my fingers would curl. I am only 6cms and mummy cannot feel me moving yet. Mummy is most likely experiencing 'morning sickness' and if I could hug her to comfort her, I would. You daddy, will have to fill in for me for now.
Its after 3 months and I am growing strong. The doctors have scanned me with that sonic thingyma-chig and declared that I am growing 'as expected'. Apparently 'as expected' is a good thing. If I could I would be able to feel your hand on mummy's belly and sense that your love for me is growing. I am also looking forward to playing ball with you and catching tag and playing on the swings in the park. The real pearler at this time is you don't yet know I'm a boy.
5 to 6 months have now passed Daddy and will not be long until I get to meet you. The frequent visits to the midwives and the scans mummy has been getting are still showing that everything is going as expected and I am growing wonderfully. I wonder if your thinking about when I go to school will my first uniform fit me well enough? Kindergarten will be fun, I will be making alot of my first social friendships outside of family and will most likely end up with life long friends. Wow, we will have some stories to share with you Daddy. At this time you also know I will be a boy and have known for a while.
I'm reaching the eight month mark and your excitement for my arrival is palpable. It is not long until I will be ready to come forth. I am getting ready to be in 'position' and it will still be some weeks until I appear. I am your first born to be and I am getting excited too. Highschool will be exciting and scary at the same time. I think I may lose some friends, but that's OK as I will make some new ones as well. I reckon that I will like sports and will be undecided about playing football or soccer or cricket.
Nine months pass and your now getting impatient for me to come. Mummy is getting Braxton Hicks movements and that's helping to get into position to come and meet you. University is a hard decision to make at the moment as I am dealing with my second girlfriend and we still don't know if we want to go overseas before doing Uni. I have part time employment, a beat up car that runs that you helped me get and I want to look at investment properties. Dad you have shown me so much in my life. I am grateful for many things and especially lucky, you are my father.
Wow, it is now not long until I will be born, only days away. Even after the wonderful and at times tumultuous life we have shared, I am super proud that I am your son. I reckon now that entering the grand stage of life and getting married, it will not be long until I see you smile fiercely when I announce your going to be a grandfather. You will also most likely tell me your as proud of me as when you found out I was going to be and your dad told you he was proud of you.
It is one day to go until I come into the world. But Daddy, something has happened. I don't know why or how, but the birth of me will not happen the way it is expected. I know that all those wonderful events in my life I have expressed with you in this letter, will not be. I am so sorry Daddy, your expectations of a wonderful and beautiful boy you will raise will not come to pass. The medical staff in the hospital have scanned and found that my heart no longer pumps. I am hours now from birth. Daddy I am so sorry I cannot grow up into the man you had hoped for me to be. I will look asleep when I am born, but I will not be sleeping.
I love you Daddy.
Thats OK son. I still got to see you come into the world. I see you looked like you were sleeping and I held you for the longest time. I love you and I still think of you every day.
I love you too, son.
Photo attributed CC 0 http://pixabay.com/en/baby-child-hand-innocent-children-102472/
7 comments:
Jesus mate. Powerful and very sad post. I feel for you deeply. He had a one way ticket to heaven. Thanks for sharing.
It has been a letter thats taken a long time to come put into the world and be published. Now I am happy to share with the world.
Thanks Rory.
Such a unique and moving way to grieve and process a really difficult loss, KD.
Have you had any contact with Gavin Blue from Heartfelt? I reckon this would be something they'd love to share. Here's their website - http://www.heartfelt.org.au/
RD
What a moving and beautiful post Rory, you are so very brave to share your experience and I hope that it gives comfort to others who are grieving the loss of their child too.
Much love to you, your wife and beautiful little boy.
I can't imagine how hard that was to write, it's gut-wrenching to read. thankyou for sharing xxx
My heart still breaks. Beautiful letter, Jason. I hope it helps to share with others who may have had the same experience.
I wish I had the words to express how that moved me.
Thinking of you man, thanks for sharing that amazing piece.
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